A Birth Mother's Love, Why I released You

  In all the years that have passed since you were born, Christopher, I have always wondered if I made the right choices for you. And in light of how my life has unfolded, I still believe that I did.

   The social worker who handled your adoption helped me for the last few months I was pregnant. She most clearly came to my aid within a few hours of your birth. The staff in the small country hospital would not allow me to even see you and I was terrified something was terribly wrong. In the wee hours of the morning she came to the hospital and laid you in my arms. You were perfect from head to toe. And a million thoughts ran through my teen age head.

   At the time you were conceived, I was a ward of the state and living in a residential youth facility. So was your father. We were a couple of really mixed up kids from dysfunctional families. When we left there and went into the world, we were still a couple of mixed up kids with precarious futures, and we were pregnant. We hoped to become a family.

   At first we lived with his sister's family for a couple of months. Being only sixteen and obviously pregnant made my job prospects virtually nonexistent. And your father wasn't ready to become a grown up. He said he wanted to get a job and get married, but he wasn't trying. Soon it was clear he had found someone else, and I was told to leave.

   At sixteen I wasn't old enough to sign a lease, vote or be legally responsible for myself without becoming emancipated. There were some people in my life who offered to help but there were strings attached. One set of house parents from the youth facility offered me a place to stay while I was pregnant and I turned them down. He had tried to fondle me at times and I knew he would expect to succeed. The art teacher also offered me a place but wanted to personally adopt you. Open adoption sounds great, but I wasn't able to trust myself enough.

   My parents allowed me to come back home, just know it was the home I was at one time legally removed from. My father was an alcoholic and my mom did her best to deal with it. My brothers and I grew up poor and hungry, and dysfunctional. Just being there was traumatic.

   With all my being I wanted to be your mom, and I tried. A girl with a reputation in a small town can dream of a full-time job, making a life for her and a baby. And it wasn't happening. I quit school and couldn't even take care of myself, let alone a baby, too. The decision to release you for adoption was painful, but the alternatives were not in your best interests. Keeping you with me and keeping you safe became two different things, and my heart put you first.

   After the adoption was final, your father confessed he had made a mistake in abandoning us and wanted to make amends. I was still a naive girl wanting to believe him when we wed against my mother's wishes a few months later. The only time I ever doubted my decision was during the first few months of marriage. When I became pregnant with your brother, I came to realize I truly had made the best choice for you.

   My husband had returned to drugs even dealing, and was not happy in the least we were pregnant. Before I was showing, I was learning how to hide the bruises and I became a battered wife.

  Once again I faced many hard decisions the night your brother was born. I was black and blue and the doctor threw your father out of the hospital for threatening me during labor. As I held your brother in my arms I was also holding you. I knew I would be raising him alone and prayed God would have His hand on us. I had no idea how to change the tide. I named your brother Justin, for all that was true and fair. Within a few weeks I filed for divorce.

  Justin's life has not been easy. He spent too much time in daycare while his single mom worked minimum wage jobs. At one point we were homeless. There have been many hardships to survive, but we have survived. He is a great young man despite my shortcomings.

 Your brother has known of you since he was five, and he loves you, too. There is only love in our hearts for you. We pray for you, and I pray you find each other someday.

 I hope your life has been blessed, I released you out of love, and I pray you know that.

 Love always, your birth mother